Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
