I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
