Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
