i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
