Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
