Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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