who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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