Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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