Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
