she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
