He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
