The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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