Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.