sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
