guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
