I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
