I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
how drunk are you?
Several
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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