I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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