Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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