; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
