I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
