I will die if light touches me.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it's like iHOP with fire
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
