Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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