maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
