Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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