I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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