I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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