Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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