K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
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then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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