Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
