theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I could make wine with my vomit
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
