So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Alive.
So much puke
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
