Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
