Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
