wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
