Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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