i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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