Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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