You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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