I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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