I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
