can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
