Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
