I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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