Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
3 2 1 whiskey
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
