You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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