I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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