my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
