Got a toothbrush?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
