ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
