Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
COCAINE IS GR8
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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