Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
