My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
