Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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