We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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