I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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